The Hard Truth: The Blog I Never Wanted to Write

If you know anything about me, you’ll know I typically have something to say. I’m always thinking something. I talk a lot. I ask tons of questions. I like making sense of things and figuring out how to do things. I appreciate challenges and I’m always searching for answers to life’s hard curve balls. I like to help people and serve others in any way I can. I used to think people genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. I believed people when they said I was a blessing to them. I believed them when they said I was wise and when they would thank me for speaking my mind and bringing truth into a situation. I thought people appreciated me and, for the most part, I felt loved and valued. I knew I had a place in this world to love people, serve them, and show them God’s love.

It wasn’t until the past two years, that I have been faced with the hard truth that not everyone likes or appreciates what I have to offer. That in itself was a hard pill to swallow. I can make people like me, right? It has to be possible! Unfortunately, all of my efforts failed and I began to see the safe and comfortable world I had created for myself fall apart. I didn’t know people were so capable of inflicting such emotional pain and I didn’t know I was capable of feeling it so deeply.

Somewhere along that blind-sided journey, I lost my voice. I stopped believing in what I had to say. I stopped believing that what I say even matters. I started to believe that there was truly something wrong with me. I believed the lies and I couldn’t see past them. I became hyper aware of every thing I was saying and how I was saying it. I became defensive and I often felt helpless. Even now, I still find myself struggling sometimes to believe people when they actually say good things about me. I wonder when they are going to turn on me. Do they actually mean what they say? When will they decide they don’t think those things anymore? Can I really trust them? What are they not saying? Are they holding back on me?

I was constantly awaiting the next attack. What if I offended someone? What if I hurt someone’s feelings? What if they never tell me what they are really thinking and hold it all inside until they explode with everything I have ever done wrong to hurt them? 

When I was little, I remember my mom warning me that my naïve trust in people would get me in trouble one day. As a kid, and on into my adulthood, I saw no danger in it. I honestly couldn’t understand why people didn’t trust so easily. It came natural to me to see good in others. I could always find the glimmer of hope in a situation. I was a pretty positive and hopeful person. I gave away trust quickly, but my mom was right. It did get me in trouble and it left me hurting more than I could bear.

I had lost all trust in man. All of the good I used to so innocently and clearly see in people was gone. I was left in a pile of ashes as if I had been viciously burned and I wasn’t sure I was going to survive. It may sound dramatic, but I bear the emotional scars. 

One day, I’m not exactly sure when this happened, I decided it would be better to hide. I must have unknowingly gone into self protection mode. I began to cut myself off from the world. Or rather, cut the world off from me. I stopped letting my voice be heard. I stopped blogging. I stopped posting on social media. I stopped updating people. I stopped talking to almost everyone about what I was really feeling. I stopped trusting altogether. I no longer let people in. I didn’t trust their intentions. I didn’t want to invite people into my world. The less everyone else knew about me, the better. I didn’t want the world to hear my voice anymore. I wanted the world to forget me. Just let me live in peace. Unnoticed. Undisturbed. Unmemorable. 

There was only one problem: I was not created for that. That’s not who I am. I am loud and noticeable. I am memorable and outspoken. I typically don’t hold back what I am thinking or feeling. You will almost always know exactly where you stand with me. I bring life. I bring joy. I am passionate and strong and I laugh…A LOT.

 The world had hurt me and, for the first time, I felt the cold and bitter shudder of the darkness of man. Yes, I had been hurt before, but nothing compared to this. I got lost in my insecurities and I retreated to the only place I knew was safe. I had lost my passion for people and I became convinced that I was better off on my own. 

The past two years have been the hardest I have ever had to face. I’m still recovering from some of my own brokenness and realizing the side effects of these events. Just recently I hear the Father beckoning me to re-enter the world. I didn’t really know I had left it, but He is calling me out and leading me to risk again. Risk trusting people. Risk loving people deeply. Risk investing in others. He doesn’t promise it will be safe, but He promises to go with me. 

God is passionate about PEOPLE. He calls ME to be passionate about people. I cannot hide from it. I have to learn to trust again. It is imperative to the calling on my life. To love others with the love of the Father, I have to feel what He feels for people. He does not shy away from them, He pursues them. In spite of the rejection, in spite of the hurt, in spite of the risk. He pursues and loves people. So must I.  

I will learn to trust again. I will learn to let people in. I will not shy away from deep relationships because of the fear of getting hurt. I will take risks and I will live fully and freely. THIS is the abundant life. 

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceedingly and eternal weight of glory.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

This is a choice I have to make. It will not be a one time choice, but continuous. Trusting is risky, but worth it.

I want to be a person who walks in victory. I want to walk in integrity. I want to walk in honor and love. I want to walk in truth. I want the world to know me as a fighter. I want to never give up. I want to overcome my circumstances because HE has already overcome the world. I AM more than a conqueror and so are you. 

“Satan’s strategies to inflict earthly pain in your life will ultimately serve to increase eternal glory with your God.” -David Platt

Look out world, we won’t be kept silent!