If God Loves Me, Then Why…

If God really loves me, then why _______.

Have you ever asked these kinds of questions? Be honest.

This morning in church, a question like this flashed across my mind quicker than I could take it captive. I was shocked. Appalled even. Did I just question God’s love for me? How could I do such a thing?! How selfish. How “unchristian” of me. Yet, as the tears flowed, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into my question, realizing that with it, I am not just questioning God’s love, but also His provision, goodness, faithfulness…His character even. Wow. All of that with one simple question?!

I stood and worshipped and tried to let the truth wash over me. My God is faithful. He is good. He is my provider. He has never let me down!! All true statements! And I know it! I believe it! All my life, He has proven Himself over and over again! He is My God and He is always with me. So why am I asking these questions? Why am I doubting? Why am I in this season of, what seems to be, constant struggle?

These last three months for me have been a whirlwind. Buying a house has shifted me into a completely new season that I was not quite prepared for. I mean, I thought I was, but recently my faith has been tested in new ways that I never saw coming. I’m in a new town, I have new responsibilities, new financial obligations, no family next door, no church connections or network, no community involvement yet, none of my comforts from my hometown that made my life so seemingly happy, full, and…easy. I’m starting all over, from scratch. And it’s tough. Really tough!

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more alone than I have recently. There are days I want to quit pushing forward and go back to “EASY”. I don’t want to wait to form relationships and connections. I want them to appear. I don’t want to wait to build something and become known around here. I want it to just happen. I don’t want to wait to decorate my house. I want it to all magically decorate itself. I don’t want to wait to finish my basement. I want to win the lottery so I can pay someone else to do it. ;D

Facing all of this transition and starting over “alone” has exposed a deep wound in my heart. This is where my question came from. If God loves me, then why am I still alone? Why don’t I have a family yet? Why don’t I have what “everyone else has”? Why am I having to do this by myself? How long, O, Lord?!

Yes, I know, He never leaves me or forsakes me. I am never alone (retweet my blog “Never Alone” from 2013).  He is always with me and I am SO thankful that GOD is my Comfort. He holds my every tear. And, trust me, there have been LOTS of tears lately! I know these truths in my head, but I’m being honest about the reality of my heart today. I’m tired of waiting. I’m not even waiting well at the moment. I feel like I’m failing everywhere I turn. Worrying about this or that. Wondering when this will all pass. Trying to hold on and fight my way through it. 

I have asked the “why” question a lot over the years, but it’s never been attached to His love for me like it was this morning. I have trusted and held fast to His promises, His timing, remembering that God has a plan, etc. In this season, I’m learning a deeper trust in a way I never have before. Am I trusting Him with my house? Am I trusting Him with my spouse? (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, but it’s a sign I should keep this line. Lol.) Am I trusting Him with my future? Am I trusting His LOVE for me? Am I trusting that His promises are true and He is actually good? Am I truly trusting Him in ALL things?

After church, a generous friend gave me some things for my house (shoutout to Spang!), and as I was unloading my car and hauling stuff inside, I stopped at my front door and accidentally let out a sob. I cried to God out loud, “I don’t want to do this alone anymore!”. I guess there is something silly that comes with carrying box after box after box of things into your house by yourself that just wears on your heart’s loneliness. And yet, in it, God is with me. He has given me this gift. Nine months ago I didn’t even think it was POSSIBLE for me to buy a house (shoutout to Melissa Brown-McCall and her incredible team). I prayed and sought the Lord and He kept leading me on to pursue this adventure. It was never my dream. I never even wanted to live in the states. I was “supposed” to be living in Kenya years ago by now. Alas, here I am. In Gainesville, Georgia. I have traveled all over the world for the past 7 years, living fairly simply, and the scariest thing I’ve done in that time is buy this house. This is all new to me, but I believe God has put me here and I know He has allowed me to inhabit this home. I am being challenged to trust God deeper and keep the faith in even the “mundane” every day things. To truly put into practice Psalm 46:10, “Be STILL and KNOW that I am God.” In other words, step back. Watch Him work. Walk in peace and TRUST.

A few weeks after I moved into my house, I hosted one of my World Race squads and asked them to pray over my house and write on the walls downstairs declaring promises, truth, and prophetic words over this space. Shortly after, I had a house warming party where tons of my co-workers also came bearing the same gift. 

This place has been covered and dedicated to the Lord and I’m not giving up. I’m not going back. I’ll push forward, even through the tears and the temporary “light affliction”.

You know why?

Because I KNOW God loves me (Romans 5:2-8, Galatians 2:20, Ephesians 2:4-5, 1 John 4:9-11). I know He has plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I know He is in charge of my life (Proverbs 16:9 & 19:21). I know all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I know God is faithful and He cannot deny Himself (2 Timothy 2:13). I know God is my provider (Philippians 4:19). I know I am His child (1 John 3:1) and He cares for me even more than the birds of the air (Matthew 10:29-31). He gives good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11). I could go on and on because His character has proven the test of time. My current feelings and circumstances do not trump His character. We can stand on that. 

I am committed to making this house a place of peace where people can enjoy God’s presence through fellowship, rest, laughter, and joy. It will be a mission minded household where others gather at the table and have space to discuss hard and real questions about faith and God without judgement. Building a home is a slow process and I’m learning to embrace it. It feels pretty messy, but I’m getting there. One day at a time. And even though I feel alone, I know I am not. He’s been in it every step of the way. He’s doing a new thing and it’s uncomfortable, but I am convinced that the fruit will far outweigh the pain of this season. 

Don’t stop asking questions and being honest with God, but never forget to match your questions with the Truth that we know about who He is. Today, I felt alone, but I know who my God is. Yesterday, today, and forever.

“But if you refuse to serve the LORD, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15

{For further encouragement, check out this song below I have had on repeat all day. Worship helps shift perspective!!} 

“Fade Away” by Passion

Speak to me 
You’re the only voice I want to hear 
Walk with me